Have you heard about this new gay cruising app for your iPhone called Grindr? It’s like an express version of Gaydar for those who can’t wait until they get home to arrange a gay sex meet. It uses GPS to put you in touch with guys in your immediate area so they can be touching your immediate area seconds later.
Personally, I think they missed a trick here and should have combined their gay positioning system with a car SatNav to give you handy directions and a commanding voice when out for a cruise. Mind you, bound to be lots of dead-ends, just like with SatNav: you turn the corner expecting to see a toned Latino, but get a drag queen in Susan Boyle’s casts-offs instead.
Straight guys must get very jealous of us gays sometimes. Can you imagine what would happen if straight guys had as many fast fuck outlets as we do? If they had saunas just along from their local shops, a cruising ground minutes away and a guaranteed fuck at the gym, supermarket and book store. Nothing would ever get done.
This Grindr thing raises a lot of questions too: what if it falls into the hands of gay bashers? What if you don’t operate a 24/7 sex policy, but forget to log out – will you still get hungry homos knocking at your door? What if you drive through an area with a gay shortage? Will desperate guys start tailing you?
I suspect it will just become a way for gay guys to approach each other in clubs without the sooooo 2009 method of actually having to talk to them. A quick text message pinged across the dancefloor from your iPhone will get an answer straight away without having to face rejection in the flesh. Then again, activating Grindr in a gay club would probably cause some kind of meltdown.
Being gay you tend to think you have the upper hand when it comes to sexual deviancy – we did, after all, invent anal sex and rimming.
The local sexual health clinic wouldn’t be the first place I’d choose to spend a couple of hours just before Christmas, but there I was last week, waiting in the waiting room at the end of a gay sex slip-up.
Talking underwear
Then there’s a kind of communication short hand that you use to save time and words. It’s things like not having to finish sentences or saying it with body language and primal grunting sounds (me, first thing in the morning).
I know guys used to say it with hankies in their back pocket when they wanted gay sex on the down-low: yellow for water-sports; black for S&M; left pocket for active and right if you were a bottom.
Now I realise Rich and I have created our own undie code when it comes to gay sex, which loosely goes something like this: brief usually equals brief; dark means dirty and tighty whities are good for vanilla sex – often a blow job or a bit of ‘ying and yang’ (69).
Jock straps are an obvious one, but there’s still signs to read. Your more athletic, sports jock screams power bottom, whereas a skimpier pair is a shoo-in for a passive trip to the bottom. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a thong!
Boxers can mean different things, the shape giving some clue, with a longer leg suggesting a more pro-active approach. Y-fronts just give off mixed signals during gay sex.
Of course there’s the danger of clashing, but we always seem to avoid that gay sex faux pas. And turning up commando means anything goes…