Fuck; it’s over

Gay break upThe end of a relationship always seems to be the same – in my experience, anyway. It reminds me of that scene in Animal Farm where the other animals are looking on and, to their dawning horror, the pigs start to resemble the former, human masters who the animals toppled, and history repeats.

I’m not really comparing mine and Rich’s break-up to such a disturbing scene, and it hasn’t been as horrible as all that; it’s just that as the relationship started its descent a few months back I kept thinking “haven’t I been here before?”

There’s always a period between realising to yourself it’s not working anymore and admitting the same to each other. This is the worst; at least after you’ve made it official you can move on.

It’s all about timings really. Should I end it this weekend? No, we’ve got that family ‘do’ – HIS family. Don’t want to leave him to face lots of painful questions alone; I’ll wait ‘til after; we’ll put on a brave front this weekend.

What about the weekend after? Getting close to his birthday – is it better to do it before or after? What’s less cruel? And so on…

Then, after you realise there is no right time and it’s gonna hurt you both comes the shallow realisation, among all the rough thoughts and emotions, that you’ll never get to have gay sex with this person again. Is it wrong to get a final screw in, something to remember them by, before you put your cards on the table?

Of course there’ll be the post-break-up sex, which is a whole different ball game, but you want to pay your respect to the gay sex life you’ve had together and mark its ending with a bang…

So, new chapter. Out with the Ex and in with the Sex (or something a little less cold-hearted).

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Posted in gay love | 8 Comments

Selective fucking, not breeding

Gay SexA friend of mine has upset another friend by referring to his boyfriend as a “walking dildo” and suggesting they’re only together because the boyfriend is hot and they have an amazing gay sex life. Which was out of line and also missing the point.

We live in a culture that says we should value the intellectual above the physical and that giving someone’s looks or sexual performance equal or greater importance than, say, their ability to get from Point A to Point B without the aid of a SatNav is considered shallow. But why should this always be the case? I suspect if you’re reading this, then gay sex is among your Top 5 – maybe even your Top 3 – so picking a partner who’s going to sustain that over a long time is kind of important.

I’m not talking about rating gay sex above finding someone nice, because everybody has the potential to be decent and genuine, and all that’s really in the eye of the beholder anyway. No, I’m comparing sexual performance to other things that can be measured: IQ; income; profession; hair line; charitable donations…

If we stop and think for a minute, this whole ticking boxes thing when you’re in the dating market is a product of hetero selective breeding that dates back to our earliest ancestors: when men and women check each other out what they’re really doing is subconsciously selecting a mate that’s going to produce babies fit for the purpose, because some of the qualities their partner has are, of course, going to be passed down to their offspring.

So, historically, sexual performance really isn’t that important in a straight coupling, because the sex is just a means to an end. Whereas things like intelligence are important, because they will hopefully be passed onto the child, giving it an advantage.

Us gays, we don’t make babies and sex is no means to an end, it’s the end – full stop! We want something we can enjoy now, not something that might help future generations. Call it selfish, but if my friend chooses to base his relationship mainly on a great gay sex life, so what?

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Posted in gay love | 1 Comment

Out of the office

Naked Man With BriefcaseAfter starting a job, when is the right time to come out to your new work mates? If you come out too quickly you risk making your sexuality larger in other peoples’ minds than it should be and you’re not giving them the chance to get to know you on a personal level first. However, if you wait too long and continually dodge questions, it can seem you’re hiding something and not confident in yourself. Tricky.

I remember starting a call centre job with a load of other phone jockeys and on Day 1, while doing intros, this guy got up and announced to the group that he’s gay – steady, they only wanted your name!

I’ve been in my new job a few weeks now and have yet to drop into conversation the fact that I’m dating a guy – I’ve sidestepped this little revelation by referring to Rich only as “my partner”. Incidentally, when did straight people start using our conversational get-out-clause? Several people at work have been using this non-gender-specific description when talking about their loved ones, which has been a real red herring.

To tell you the truth, I’m quite enjoying the ambiguity I’m giving off – as soon as they know I’m gay it won’t be as much fun. There’s another new guy in the office who started at the same time as me and he’s always fishing, but without him asking directly if I’m gay, it’s all too easy to play this game of cat-and-mouse.

I think it’s best to just let these things come out naturally – we’ve got a work social coming up and a relaxed environment with alcohol is usually a good place to open up to colleagues – often you can learn more about someone you work with in one night at the pub than a whole year, side-by-side in the office.

The funny thing is I heard myself on an answer phone message the other day and I can’t believe how gay I sounded! Hopefully that’s just me being paranoid – I can’t be that obvious, otherwise people at work wouldn’t be in the dark.

On the other hand, this guy I mentioned is a very big, burly, macho-looking, married type. If you met him in a dark alley you’d make a quick retreat and probably would want a refund on that gay travel guide. In some ways he seems a very traditional bloke, but then he’s also got this progressive side to him too – he loves cooking, he watches girly movies and his local pub is very gay-friendly – apparently the ‘new man’ is not dead.

What with me trying to sound a little less gay and this guy working on his feminine side, we’ll hopefully meet somewhere in the middle (and not down a dark alleyway).

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Posted in gay life | Leave a comment

Let them have it

Imagine if the word ‘gay’ didn’t exist; what would that be like? If there were no easy, all-encompassing label for a diverse and disparate group of people – it would be harder to lump us all together and to discriminate against.

If there were no such term as ‘gay’, people would have to work a bit harder when voicing their prejudice or making malicious jokes. How can you use the word for something as an insult if the word doesn’t exist?

‘Gay’ as a description of someone’s sexuality hasn’t been around that long, relatively speaking, anyway. Phrases come and go and words change their meaning, and ‘homosexual’ just isn’t snappy enough to be a serious challenger in our abbreviated, tweeting times.

I was sat listening to two teenage girls on the bus the other day – actually, I was trying NOT to listen to them, but didn’t have much choice… as they swore, giggled, bitched, gossiped about boys and used ‘gay’ in every other sentence as a substitute for ‘uncool’, it made me realise that kids aren’t being homophobic, they’re just evolving the language.

I don’t see how these particular girls could be anti-gay because they talked over their suspicions that one of their male friends might be gay – yes they joked about it, but it was done affectionately and they definitely didn’t see it as a negative thing.

I know there’s a lot of debate at the moment about kids using ‘gay’ as a negative label, but I really think some are missing the point: they’re not using ‘gay’ as a homophobic slur; rather they’ve subverted its meaning.

And why not let them have it? For a word that’s caused so much trouble and played right into the haters’ hands, why are we so precious about it and clinging on so hard? We did, after all, co-opt the word ‘gay’ in the first place.

The way youngsters liberally scatter the word into conversation reminds me of a child that’s just learnt a naughty word and keeps using it to get a reaction and because it’s funny to the child.

And it is a new word to a lot of people, because society at large has only just started talking openly about gays. So you could see it as kids trying it on for size.

It’ll be interesting to see where next for ‘gay’ and if a new word enters the popular consciousness to describe same sex fanciers – suggestions on a postcard please. For now, however, if you’re stuck for a label, just call me ‘Joe’.

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Posted in gay life | 3 Comments
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