Attack of the gay geeks

I wouldn’t say that I was ever a nerd at school, but I was guilty by association because the gays and the geeks formed a sort of unofficial coalition in my year – safety in numbers I guess – and we’d all hang out during breaktime (of course the gayness was unspoken at the time).

I’ve not kept up with any of those people, but I like to imagine they’ve turned into some of the most interesting adults – much more so than the ‘popular’ kids at school.

Over the holidays I got a taste of what the future might have been: I got invited to a gay geeks’ party. I say “party” but it turned out to be board games and sci-fi TV. At least there was alcohol, which is a step up from school.

You might ask how I ended up there in the first place. Well, the guy who hosted it I’ve known for a short time – met through a mutual friend. He invited me along and, newly single, I was up for some Christmas mingle. I didn’t go along without back-up, however – my friend Linda not happy about missing a much cooler party and I’m very aware that I now “owe her big time”.

The night turned out to be something of an anti-climax: nine people (8 guys and Linda) all sitting down didn’t make for the liveliest of times. Linda already had a pre-agreed escape plan (which she quickly used) in the event that I might get lucky, but I hadn’t planned an escape for myself!

With half the group made up of couples and another guy – the host’s roommate and least geeky of the lot – already spoken for, my cock prospects were seriously dented. Not that it mattered much either way because there was something kind of sexless about this bunch and the one guy I rather liked seemed totally oblivious to my advances (or was just being kind). In fact it was an effort to steer the conversation away from anything other than Dr. Who and Being Human… No; much better to leave them to play with their new toys.

Can you believe I actually fell asleep at one point towards the end of the night – very embarrassing – and woke up to the sound of laughter and goodbyes as the last few guys left just me and the host on his couch (the roommate had already made his excuses). He tried to persuade me to stay the night on account of my tiredness and was a little hazy on where exactly I’d be sleeping. He seemed to suddenly be sitting closer – and when did his hand creep over to my thigh?

I made my excuses and got my coat; he cut me off at the front door and was now blocking my exit. Holding the door handle and in no apparent hurry to let me leave he said something about being very glad I turned up and what a lovely evening it had been, then long pause as he stared at me, waiting for something in return – awkward moment now…

“Yeah; had a great time. Gotta be up early tomorrow, though,” I lied.

This didn’t throw him off the scent, however, and next thing he’s moving in for a full on smooch.

“Card!” I quickly throw at him. “I haven’t given you your Christmas card.”

I pull his card out of my jacket and hand it to him. This little distraction works like a dream and as he opens it I make for the door. He still tries for a proper kiss as I leave, but I turn at the last minute and he gets my cheek. As I walk down the street I think to myself that maybe these gay geeks aren’t quite so innocent after all.

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When even your fuck buddy gets hitched

Gay WeddingI needed to get laid the other night so I texted a reliable fuck buddy who I’ve not called on for some time – turns out he’s got engaged to his boyfriend and the wedding’s next month. Needless to say he “doesn’t do that sort of thing anymore”. I won’t hold my breath for an invitation.

Being single again is the perfect time to start catching up with those old friends whom you’re guilty of neglecting. One of mine, Gary, was recounting to me his current relationship woes: he’s started seeing a new guy; he’s got it bad for this guy and he thinks it’s mutual. Problem is, his new man is in the middle of a gay divorce and there’s an adopted child involved – when did gays start having such heterosexual problems?

There’s been a lot of debate in the media – gay and straight – about gay representation and what constitutes a healthy portrayal in film and TV and it’s got to the point where anything remotely camp or deviant from the perceived norm in society is seen as a negative thing. It seems equality comes at a price: we’re all supposed to make our lives fit a traditional hetero template.

While equality should be across the board – and that includes marriage for those who want it – the danger is that in the rush for mainstream acceptance some in the gay community would rather brush under the carpet those people at the ends of the spectrum. Yes, most gay men aren’t camp, but some are, as well as plenty of straight guys. That’s why our unofficial emblem is a rainbow flag.

It’s great that some gays want to be daddies or mommies and husbands or wives, buy a Volvo, get a puppy and make the school run every morning, just so long as they respect that not everybody wants that. I’ve always thought one benefit to being gay is you’ve already given convention the boot, so breaking the rules is much easier.

I sometimes miss the old days when being gay had a certain edge to it – and a guy could be guaranteed a no-strings fuck on a Saturday night.

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Fuck; it’s over

Gay break upThe end of a relationship always seems to be the same – in my experience, anyway. It reminds me of that scene in Animal Farm where the other animals are looking on and, to their dawning horror, the pigs start to resemble the former, human masters who the animals toppled, and history repeats.

I’m not really comparing mine and Rich’s break-up to such a disturbing scene, and it hasn’t been as horrible as all that; it’s just that as the relationship started its descent a few months back I kept thinking “haven’t I been here before?”

There’s always a period between realising to yourself it’s not working anymore and admitting the same to each other. This is the worst; at least after you’ve made it official you can move on.

It’s all about timings really. Should I end it this weekend? No, we’ve got that family ‘do’ – HIS family. Don’t want to leave him to face lots of painful questions alone; I’ll wait ‘til after; we’ll put on a brave front this weekend.

What about the weekend after? Getting close to his birthday – is it better to do it before or after? What’s less cruel? And so on…

Then, after you realise there is no right time and it’s gonna hurt you both comes the shallow realisation, among all the rough thoughts and emotions, that you’ll never get to have gay sex with this person again. Is it wrong to get a final screw in, something to remember them by, before you put your cards on the table?

Of course there’ll be the post-break-up sex, which is a whole different ball game, but you want to pay your respect to the gay sex life you’ve had together and mark its ending with a bang…

So, new chapter. Out with the Ex and in with the Sex (or something a little less cold-hearted).

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Selective fucking, not breeding

Gay SexA friend of mine has upset another friend by referring to his boyfriend as a “walking dildo” and suggesting they’re only together because the boyfriend is hot and they have an amazing gay sex life. Which was out of line and also missing the point.

We live in a culture that says we should value the intellectual above the physical and that giving someone’s looks or sexual performance equal or greater importance than, say, their ability to get from Point A to Point B without the aid of a SatNav is considered shallow. But why should this always be the case? I suspect if you’re reading this, then gay sex is among your Top 5 – maybe even your Top 3 – so picking a partner who’s going to sustain that over a long time is kind of important.

I’m not talking about rating gay sex above finding someone nice, because everybody has the potential to be decent and genuine, and all that’s really in the eye of the beholder anyway. No, I’m comparing sexual performance to other things that can be measured: IQ; income; profession; hair line; charitable donations…

If we stop and think for a minute, this whole ticking boxes thing when you’re in the dating market is a product of hetero selective breeding that dates back to our earliest ancestors: when men and women check each other out what they’re really doing is subconsciously selecting a mate that’s going to produce babies fit for the purpose, because some of the qualities their partner has are, of course, going to be passed down to their offspring.

So, historically, sexual performance really isn’t that important in a straight coupling, because the sex is just a means to an end. Whereas things like intelligence are important, because they will hopefully be passed onto the child, giving it an advantage.

Us gays, we don’t make babies and sex is no means to an end, it’s the end – full stop! We want something we can enjoy now, not something that might help future generations. Call it selfish, but if my friend chooses to base his relationship mainly on a great gay sex life, so what?

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