A friend of mine has upset another friend by referring to his boyfriend as a “walking dildo” and suggesting they’re only together because the boyfriend is hot and they have an amazing gay sex life. Which was out of line and also missing the point.
We live in a culture that says we should value the intellectual above the physical and that giving someone’s looks or sexual performance equal or greater importance than, say, their ability to get from Point A to Point B without the aid of a SatNav is considered shallow. But why should this always be the case? I suspect if you’re reading this, then gay sex is among your Top 5 – maybe even your Top 3 – so picking a partner who’s going to sustain that over a long time is kind of important.
I’m not talking about rating gay sex above finding someone nice, because everybody has the potential to be decent and genuine, and all that’s really in the eye of the beholder anyway. No, I’m comparing sexual performance to other things that can be measured: IQ; income; profession; hair line; charitable donations…
If we stop and think for a minute, this whole ticking boxes thing when you’re in the dating market is a product of hetero selective breeding that dates back to our earliest ancestors: when men and women check each other out what they’re really doing is subconsciously selecting a mate that’s going to produce babies fit for the purpose, because some of the qualities their partner has are, of course, going to be passed down to their offspring.
So, historically, sexual performance really isn’t that important in a straight coupling, because the sex is just a means to an end. Whereas things like intelligence are important, because they will hopefully be passed onto the child, giving it an advantage.
Us gays, we don’t make babies and sex is no means to an end, it’s the end – full stop! We want something we can enjoy now, not something that might help future generations. Call it selfish, but if my friend chooses to base his relationship mainly on a great gay sex life, so what?
After starting a job, when is the right time to come out to your new work mates? If you come out too quickly you risk making your sexuality larger in other peoples’ minds than it should be and you’re not giving them the chance to get to know you on a personal level first. However, if you wait too long and continually dodge questions, it can seem you’re hiding something and not confident in yourself. Tricky.
Fuck; it’s over
I’m not really comparing mine and Rich’s break-up to such a disturbing scene, and it hasn’t been as horrible as all that; it’s just that as the relationship started its descent a few months back I kept thinking “haven’t I been here before?”
There’s always a period between realising to yourself it’s not working anymore and admitting the same to each other. This is the worst; at least after you’ve made it official you can move on.
It’s all about timings really. Should I end it this weekend? No, we’ve got that family ‘do’ – HIS family. Don’t want to leave him to face lots of painful questions alone; I’ll wait ‘til after; we’ll put on a brave front this weekend.
What about the weekend after? Getting close to his birthday – is it better to do it before or after? What’s less cruel? And so on…
Then, after you realise there is no right time and it’s gonna hurt you both comes the shallow realisation, among all the rough thoughts and emotions, that you’ll never get to have gay sex with this person again. Is it wrong to get a final screw in, something to remember them by, before you put your cards on the table?
Of course there’ll be the post-break-up sex, which is a whole different ball game, but you want to pay your respect to the gay sex life you’ve had together and mark its ending with a bang…
So, new chapter. Out with the Ex and in with the Sex (or something a little less cold-hearted).