One of the consolations of having to grit your teeth and attend one of those obligatory extended family get-togethers that crop up at Xmas is being introduced to male cousins who were hyperactive kids when you last saw them and are now strapping young men. In fact they belong in that category of guys that would give you serious neck strain from checking them out down your local gay bar. The only question is have they swapped their Action Men for ‘men action?’

Of the two – distant, I’d like to point out – cousins I met this year that this applies to, one was leaving nobody in doubt about his sexuality with his ‘hard lad’ look and pretty girlfriend (so most probably gay); the other one was a bit of a question mark and needed further investigation.

It’s always a bit of a strange situation to be in – you never know how many of these distant relatives are aware that you take it up the bum, or just put you down as the ‘single type’, slightly alternative, a bit of a dark horse. There are guys there that on any other night you would be beating a path to chat up, but now you’re under the watchful eye of family and the last thing you want them thinking is that you’re a sleaze ball, so you overcompensate and make a point of not talking to the hotties.

I did, however, get cornered by ‘question mark’ and turns out he’s arty and is planning to do a course in some related field. No mention of a girlfriend, and had been to see Scissor Sisters recently, so the evidence was piling up. He also seemed very interested when I told him where I live – typical, I though to myself, another family freeloader with their eyes on a holiday in Brighton. Anyway, I managed to get away, but later he ambushed me in the toilet when he appeared at the urinal next to mine. He started up again about Brighton and wanted to know what it’s like living here. Turning to reply enabled a quick glance down – not bad! So it looks like my probably gay cousin will be coming down one weekend in the new year, so the next time we meet will be on home turf and I don’t have to play by the family rules!