I have come to the conclusion that the best way to attract guys is to have a girlfriend on your arm. Don’t ask me why, but so often a guy who is literally wearing his sexuality on his sleeve gets them buzzing around him like bees to a horny cock.

Take my friend Paul, for example. He could have written the book on being the original ‘nice guy’ – I’ve never seen him give the tiniest sign of losing his temper or raising his voice and he has an ability to get along with anybody. He also has a lovely girlfriend and a very cool couple they make – we’ve often been to gay bars, clubs and the local Mardis Gras, as well as straight places, and had a great time. The bit where logic goes out of the window is when we go the gay way and I step through the door, followed by my friend and his girlfriend, and all eyes fix on Paul – as they are straights on ‘gay street’ they never leave each other’s side or venture far from the group, and this just seems to send out a homo-ing beacon and arouses even more interest.

I just don’t get it, he’s a reasonably good looking guy, but no adonis and, being a straight guy, he reluctantly bobs up and down a bit on the dancefloor, but it seems the crapper his dancing the more lusting glances he gets. I’m never sure how much of this he is aware, but he’ll often get more guys chatting him up than I do! In fact sometimes they’ll be chatting away and I might as well be invisible.

I have thought about borrowing a ‘girlfriend’ for the night and playing it straight, just to get more male interest! But I think they’d see straight through this illusion – it seems the way to get the most gay attention is a) be totally unaware of it and b) not want it. Now I could waste page space pondering the psychology behind this, the theory of most wanting that which you can least have, but I’ll use it up with some gay porn instead!