I decided I want to have porn star sex each and everytime; therefore popped into my local gay sex emporium and purchased my first douche kit, and what a box of tricks it is! It’s called ‘shiny river’ and all the various, intriguing looking attachments are brightly coloured and packaged – it wouldn’t look out of place in a toy shop. The picture of a beaming twink on the front of the box was telling me it must provide lots of fun and pleasure; roll on the good fucks, I thought to myself.

I decided to test it out as soon as I got home, before my next fuck. I unpacked all the various bits, wondering which attachment to start off with – they range from modest beginner to slack veteran, the largest one being about the size of a small dildo and definitely not one to start off with. I filled the base pump with warm water and attached a medium sized pipe; I don’t need to go into detail about what followed (or flowed), but it was a strange sensation, because you don’t feel the water at first and wonder where it’s all going! When I got used to it, it was actually quite pleasant, and you feel so fresh afterwards.

I’ll tell you what, the fuck I had on Thursday after using it was amazing; I was able to go for so long, get fucked so deep and from so many positions! Well worth the money.