Why do straight guys, upon working out your sexuality, always feel the need to name-drop their girlfriends within their first few sentences?

I had a rather fit young workman in my house recently (only to carry out his work, alas) – he was gorgeous in a very laddish kind of way, and I had fun playing the check-out-his-arse-while-he’s not looking game. He had a very chunky build, but in a fit way and massive arms, on which I could just see the hint of tattoos under his shirt, which was very sexy. He did bend down a few times and his arse looked great in his tracksuit bottoms. Anyway, I’m getting away from the point, and distracting myself describing this guy’s hot body!

I don’t imagine it took him too long to clock me as a gay guy and sure enough, there was that sentence that straight guys love: “Me and my girlfriend…”, which really reads “I’m straight, so don’t try anything”. Obviously at this point I put my claws away and banished from my mind all mental pictures of our future life together. Because it he hadn’t mentioned his girlfriend I would have automatically assumed that sex was on the menu, as all us gay guys do when we have a man in our house.

Maybe it is worse when you have a straight guy, particularly a stranger, in your home rather than on neutral ground – I remember the agent who showed me around my flat for a viewing mentioning his girlfriend in about his third sentence and barely even showing me the bedroom – these guys must have been brought up on stories of gay sexual predators luring workmen into their homes and having their wicked way, as if we need to go to all that bother now that we have the Internet. I bet this guy was nervous about accepting a cup or tea, in case it was spiked with a sedative – he probably poured it away when my back was turned.

The thing is it’s completely opposite for many people in gay relationships – I’m pretty sure that my manager at work is gay, and I know she’s in a relationship, but must be so trained to not talk about “her” or “my girlfriend” that she will only ever mention “we” or “us” and you have to literally hunt for any clues about her choice of partner.

Anyway, ‘having a girlfriend’ doesn’t mean a thing, because I ended up fucking him good and proper! No, I didn’t really, or maybe I did…