I’ve experienced my first big difference of opinion with Richard (using the word ‘argument’ would be far too melodramatic – Rich prefers the rather sweet euphemism ‘discussion’). Apparently I didn’t ‘admit’ to having a Gaydar account when we started seeing each other, which is true, not to hide anything, just that it didn’t cross my mind. However, that wasn’t so much the issue, rather that now we’ve started seeing each other, Rich thinks I should delete my account.
I’ve never been in this situation before – I’ve either been out with guys who also have a profile or the relationship hasn’t progressed enough for it to be an issue, or that’s been how we met! Rich has never had a Gaydar, or any other type of online profile and came across as pretty judgmental – I wish there was a gay dating rule book that I could refer to that has all the answers, but there is no correct conduct and we’re both coming from very different viewpoints. Rich actually made me feel a bit sleazy for chatting to guys online, but I pointed out that it is just a community like any other, comparing it to Myspace, which he has no problem with, and that I’ve been using it a long time and have built up friendships with people on there, as well as using it to chat to mates, and asking me to sign out forever, or at least while we’re dating, is like asking me to cut out a group of friends – and, hey, relationships with guys come and go, but Gaydar will always be there for me!
I think it boils down to the fact that Rich sees Gaydar as a means of getting laid, and nothing more, even when those horny mouse-clickers come in the guise of ‘looking for friendship/chat’, which is probably true to some extent, but as I also argued, he needs to trust me to say “no” to the big, bad men, just as I would if I met them anywhere else. Maybe it’s because he found out later, and unintentionally, about my Gaydar use that he’s more suspicious than he would be, and next time I’ll be upfront from the beginning, but I’ve picked up that he’s been unlucky in the past with guys cheating on him, and there is some over-the-top paranoia there, especially as we’ve only been going out for just under 2 months.
So, we’ve not come to any agreement or solution on this one, and it meant I went without sex last night, and no Gaydar to fall back on!
5 Comments
Hmmm…
Well, I’m not sure of the precise conversion factor, but two months in the gay world is probably six or eight months in the straight world. I found myself in a similar position with my partner (I think we were further into the relationship), and that’s when I found out he had issues about fidelity based on his past relationships.
I don’t know your whole relationship history, but I’m thinking that, if you think Rich has some longterm prospects, that you save your buddy list, email your Gaydar buds and let them know the situation, then cancel the account. The folks who would still like to chat with you can email you, and you can always re-establish the account if, by some chance, things go south with Rich.
Of course, that’s just my opinion; I could be wrong…
Does he know about this blog?
I like your conversion factor – a bit like dog years!
Using email instead of Gaydar is a good idea, but to be honest, I think the extra effort required, as opposed to just logging in and chatting online, would make me crap at keeping in touch.
Maybe it’s just best to let these things die a natural death; one of those relationship compromises – or I could just delete my old account and set up a secret one!
if its an issue thats hurting your dating id delete the profile. its one of those cases it doesnt matter whether who is right, it matters what deleting it or keeping it means for your relationship.
Cheers for the advice. In the end I deleted my account and, I have to be honest, haven’t missed it that much – apart from the 2 day cold turkey!