For some reason I got thinking earlier about the time I dated an alien. Now, where I live there are plenty of people who you might describe as being on another planet, and I admit to shagging a handful, but one time I met up with a guy off Gaydar who I really believe could have been on an interplanetary vacation.

ictor (I mean, come on, who’s called Victor?) had a slightly alien-like look about him from the start – I was struck by how high his forehead was, and his lack of hair only emphasized this. In fact he was strangely hairless all over, and had a peculiarly shaped face – very angular; thin at the bottom and large at the top and high cheekbones which made him look a bit skeletal. He was so pale, had very dark, almost black sloping eyes and a wiry frame with, I remember, incredibly long, boney fingers – basically, type ‘alien’ into Google Images and you’ll get a good likeness. In fact, one of the first things he said to me was did I think he looked like an alien?, because he had been getting comments from guys about his face pics on Gaydar, and was genuinely paranoid about it. Could his cover have been blown? I, of course, politely said I couldn’t see it myself.

Victor had recently moved here from some far-away place that I had never heard of and went on and on about how he felt like an alien living here and was trying to get used to how different everything and everyone was compared to where he came from. I remember he also spent a large part of the evening complaining about how little privacy he got from his new flatmate and was finding the lack of locks on the doors a cause of tension – according to Victor, his flatmate had a habit of walking in on him unannounced, which would be bloody annoying, but what if Vic had something to hide? Scaly skin perhaps?

He remained nervous and twitchy the whole night, constantly looking over his shoulder and eyes darting to the door anytime it was opened, giving the impression he was expecting to be caught any moment. He also insisted on drinking his many G&Ts through a straw, quickly sucking the contents up, barely pausing for breath, very reminiscent of aliens in films sucking the life out of humans.

We called it a night and he lived my way, so we started off walking in the same direction. He was very keen for me to go back with him, but I made my excuses and at a point on the edge of the park he suddenly announced he needed to head across it, and lived just behind the trees on the other side. I thought it was strange at the time and commented that I didn’t realise there were houses over there. We said our goodbyes, with his one last attempt to get me back to the mother ship, but I was firm. Then he just headed off to my left, quickly vanishing into the dark. It will sound a bit too convenient, but I swear I witnessed a sudden bright flash behind those trees after he had gone.

I’ve never heard from or seen Victor since, his Gaydar profile disappearing soon after. One thing I’m glad about, though, is my decision to decline his invitation – I could have been in for a night of probing, and not the good kind…