I’m confused: when you’re in a relationship with a guy, is it okay to enjoy looking at other guys when you’re with your fella? Rich doesn’t think so, and will slap my wrist if he catches me doing it, but I come from the point of view that this is one of the few exclusive benefits of being in a same-sex relationship, that you can mutually appreciate the male form and openly comment on it, giving you both at least one common interest. I see it as a sign of a mature, healthy relationship that you can see this for what it is; harmless fun and simply being honest; vocalising what you’re really thinking. It’s one of the pleasures of walking around the city on a Saturday, comparing notes, giving scores out of ten, and occasionally laughing at one of your boyfriend’s picks.
It’s a very difficult habit to drop, especially when I’d previously been carefree and single for some time, enjoying many a night out touring the talent with mates. I also started my relationship with Rich unashamedly eyeing up guys when we were together, but from the beginning he said it was bad and maintained that he never noticed other guys in that way when he was with me, which made me determined to catch him out, constantly checking his line of sight.
My friend Linda is always telling me off for the same thing when I’m with her – she claims it’s desperate and reduces everything to sex, but I don’t take too much notice of her because she once shat in a glass for a stranger on her webcam.
I have tried to stop looking at passing guys, even when I’m on my own because it’s easier to go cold turkey, so you loose the habit, rather than be a part-time window shopper, but it’s impossible and feels like I’m training to be a monk. It also makes me feel like I’m back in the closet again and what was the point to my hard-won confidence to check out any guy I choose, if I’ve now got to repress that freedom?
Any thoughts on this?…
5 Comments
Joe,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you noticing other guys. It’s called being a male. It doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship, and it has nothing to do with your love for your partner.
My partner was uncomfortable at first talking about noticing other guys, but he’s learned that it is fine, and it’s not a threat to our relationship.
I find it hard to believe that your partner doesn’t notice other guys. Maybe he’s just uncomfortable admitting it.
And of course Linda wouldn’t understand. She’s a woman. Women don’t operate like that.
Perhaps your partner needs time and reassurance that looking at guys is normal.
photogreg
http://photogreg.typepad.com/point_shoot/
while i agree with you, i have to confess – it would make me feel uncomfortable if my guy constantly looked at other guys and commented at how hot they were, when we are together. this comes probably from a certain degree of personal complexes. and maybe your guy has them too.
i think you can look at other guys, but take your boyfriend’s feelings into consideration too
Perhaps you should throw in the occasional comment on a beautiful woman. In doing so you emphasize that the exercise is in esthetics and not in (gay) lust.
I’m new to your blog. So please forgive me if I’ve missed something.
I’m a woman who does the same thing. Both women and men appeal to me and I love that I can get into people watching when I’m with someone. I like to make it something we both get into (i.e. what do you think of her or him? wouldn’t he or she be fun to play with, etc…). It’s just a game, so there’s no need to worry. Maybe your s.o.’s afraid you find other people worth paying attention instead of focusing on him.
I think you should find out why it bothers him (has someone cheated in a past relationship or does he feel unnoticed?) and explain why your actions are not a threat to your relationship. However, if this continues to hurt him, you should make an effort to stop [if you feel your relationship is worth it]. After all, no one wants to diminish their partner’s feelings of self-worth.
i dont see any problem with looking at other guys. whether you are with your boy or not. anything more than that is another question…