I’m done with gay porn; I have found something much better: I now get my jollies from reading the weekend sports supplement. I only recently discovered what a homoerotic read the sports pages are, having previously consigned them straight to the bin. I say ‘read’, but ‘look at’ is more accurate, as I’m not the least bit interested in the scores or performances this season; I just wanna see the pics.

It really is sexier than porn can ever be, because the field of Sport contains the most perfect male bodies – aside from maybe professional dancers, but then they ruin it by opening their mouths – and there’s probably as much physical contact and man-on-man action, but they skirt the right side of that line between unspoken, ‘hetero’ homoerotisicm, and downright gay. I think a lot of it has to do with imaging what you don’t see, off the pitch, in the changing rooms – and if what I’ve been told by straight mates who’ve played rugby is true, the homoerotic stuff that goes on after the match isn’t so repressed!

Flicking through the paper, there’s so much variety too: there’s the clean-cut footballers with their massive legs and six-packs making all manner of dives for the ball, obligingly showing bulge in their shorts and gayly swapping shirts after the match, to the beef-cake rugby players, solid hunks of men, so secure in their sexuality that they can spend most of their time groping other guys in huge man-pileups (off-pitch I believe these are called orgies), on to the ripped, rock hard bodies of those guys preferring a bit of one-on-one: the boxers, not to mention the nicer, hot-boy-next-door types playing tennis.

It’s horny stuff, and even makes me contemplate signing up for the office football team – the great thing about straight guys in the changing room (if they haven’t sussed you) is their willingness to put on a full-display because it doesn’t occur to them that there’s anything sexual about it, it’s more about proving what they’ve got and competing with the rest of the room. This is why straight gyms are so much sexier that gay ones.