So Rich and me went in for our annual MOT (or routine check-up at our local gay mens health clinic), so that’s the fun part over and now it’s the waiting, where ‘no news is good news’. I admit I’ve been putting it off for a while and my visits haven’t been as frequent as they should have been, so I’ve been shitting myself a bit, not because I’ve been taking risks, but you never know. It helped to have a hand to hold, though.

As we waited for our assumed names to be called – I thought I’d try on ‘Charles’ for size – I observed the comings and goings and couldn’t believe how cruisy the waiting room in the clinic gets – I mean, come on guys, surely some places are off the menu; get some perspective.

Rich got called in first, so I was left to sit there anxiously, trying to avoid the gaze of the shabby looking queen sat diagonally opposite. It felt like Rich was gone for ages and I started to imagine what he might be finding out, but he returned grinning and it turns out he’d been with the doctor and still had a date with the nurse and a surgical glove.
It was my turn with the doctor next, and she was friendly but quite business-like and it had the surreal feeling of being in a job interview and answering questions about your gay sex habits, like do you lick and get licked up the butt? Even though you know this woman’s heard it all, day-in-day-out, you’re still reluctant to reveal your entire sexual repertoire.

Next up it was into the little examination room with the slightly camp, spiky-haired, male nurse who gave me a robe to change into before he returned to do his stuff. It was a bit chilly in there and I was contemplating giving my modesty a helping hand, when he came back. He explained what he was going to do to both my arse and my cock, and produced what looked like a goldfish bowl to do the anal examination, reassuring me that with a bit of lube I wouldn’t feel a thing, but I said I’d usually require a date and several vodkas before I let anything that big up there and opted instead for the swob, which felt like a gentle pin prick. The one up my penis wasn’t so welcome, but I laid back and took it like a man.

Afterwards we headed straight for the pub and swapped stories. Turns out Rich just said no to the dick test – damn! We didn’t have sex that night.