Rich and I had bad sex for the first time a few nights ago. In the two years (on and off) that we’ve been together we have had quick sex, no-frills sex, drunken sex, emotional sex, lazy sex, but never bad sex. By ‘bad sex’ I mean sex that starts awkwardly, feels laboured, has no build up, is punctuated by sayings of “whoops, sorry” and “no, not there”. By the end we could not ignore the stark reality, being face-to-face with each other’s lack of ignition, and as our gay sex play-off seemed to stretch painfully longer, with that winning shot proving elusive and further from reach, the pace and thrusting became monotonously geared up entirely to scoring a touchdown and ending the match (and this sentence, which has become a bit sport-metaphor-heavy).
Not having had bad sex has always been one of the pros of our relationship, but that’s a freshly made chink right there. It means that our gay sex low point is now much lower, although it does put some of the great sex we’ve had into perspective. Several days have passed now without us getting back in the saddle, which is always a mistake, and I suspect Rich is thinking the same as me: if we hold back from sex for a bit then we can use that pent up sexual tension and energy to fuck our crap sex from memory. Plus, I suspect this unofficial gay sex strike is also caused by the fear that it might be bad all over again, or even worse.
Of course this risks building up expectation, over thinking and the big possibility of an anti-climax, making the situation worse and turning a blip into a slump – everyone knows that the best way to get over the fear of falling off again is to climb back on straight away. In fact, sitting here writing a post about our bad sex when I could just stop typing, go upstairs, strip down to my undies, walk right up to Rich and…
Dropping the ball
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4 Comments
Firstly, your blog is really well written so I wanted to compliment you. Now that’s out of the way; while I can’t really give advice on relationships maybe this is the perfect time to find that fetish or kink you blogged about previously? Reading too much into things is my big failing so I hope you won’t be offended when I write I’m sure it will be fine and great foundation-shattering sex will be yours again soon!!
Thanks Mike. I think you raise a good point there about finding something new – there is a strong danger, after 2 years, of sticking to what’s been good before, rather than what could be new and better.
Cheers for the linky love.
There’s some more rugby ‘au naturel’ here: http://uroskin.blogspot.com/search/label/rugby
I could never have “bad sex” with someone I was completely in tune with, with both of us acknowledging that it’s bad. I think the common realization between me and my partner that this is going bad would lead to laughter and fun. In fact, I’ve been there before and that did happen.
The only way I can imagine it really being bad is if one partner feels judged by the other – as in, one person feels like there is pressure to perform and is going to be held somehow accountable. (Accountable in a non-sexy way.)
I think if you both just talk about how bad it was and are willing to laugh and make it into an amusing story, the connection is re-gained.
Unless you’re just totally bored with each other (which I doubt is the case after a just one bad experience). Try going out to dinner, going on a hike together, finding a new setting or doing something new to give you each a sense of novelty.