I found myself having defensive gay sex last night. Rich is away all week on a residential training course for his job. I know what these things can be like: a remote hotel with nothing to do in the evening apart from drink and loosen up with your training buddies. What if there’s some hot, friendly guy – maybe straight, maybe not – who is strangely drawn to young, gay Rich from Brighton? He doesn’t know why this is, but the more he drinks he, the more he flirts and after enough pints he’s anybody’s and it’s a night of bedroom hockey.

I might have a vivid imagination, but it doesn’t hurt to take out some insurance. So I fucked for England last night, ensuring Rich fired off a couple of rounds and I could happily pack him off today with an empty cartridge. This was all going on in my subconscious, by the way, and it’s only in the cold light of day that I realise I was fucking defensively because of silly paranoia.

This led to thinking about other times I’ve had gay sex for the wrong reasons – more often than I would like to admit, probably – and I came up with the following list:

1. That first time, with totally the wrong guy to trust your virginity with, just to get the bum sex out of the way and jump through that first, painful hurdle so it can start getting better.

2. To get over an ex. Everyone says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, but what if that ‘get over it’ gay sex is bad? Then you’re left thinking how much better your ex was in the sack and you still have to fuck another guy to get over the last, disappointing one. Slippery slope, I tell you; slippery slope.

3. ‘Last turkey in the shop’ syndrome: you’re out clubbing, it’s nearly closing time, your mates have pulled and you don’t want to go home alone. That guy you’re not really into, who has been dancing close to you all night, is now a lone figure on the dancefloor, but also an available figure on the dancefloor.

4. You’ve turned up and the guy is nothing like his profile described and those pictures must have been taken at least 10 years ago, but you don’t want to waste the cab fare.

5. Because the guy is so good looking you ignore the fact that you find him vein, self-obsessed and aloof – if we have amazing gay sex, maybe we can build a relationship from that. Im sorry, but if you don’t like a guy, the sex is never going to be amazing.

6. A younger guy is new to the scene and doesn’t yet appreciate how hot he is, so you get in early, before everyone else.

7. To get a bit knocked off your bill.

8. To have something to write about on my blog!

P.S. That last one isn’t true.