It used to be, long ago, in the bad old days, when gays didn’t exist and women weren’t aloud to speak, that a man and a woman would meet; the man would pursue the woman, he would propose, they would marry, then move in together, finally have sex and never break up.
Fortunately, in these more enlightened times, things aren’t as straightforward – or as straight – as that any more and you’re never quite sure exactly which point you’re at in the cycle of love.
Take, for example, a gay, male friend of mine who has been living with the same flatmate for the last couple of years (also gay). To start with theirs was a co-existence of convenience, not having known each other before moving in together. More recently this flatmate started coming out on the town with my friend and their social lives suddenly became a lot more entwined.
Then last time I was out drinking with James he revealed in confidence to me that he has been sleeping with his flatmate for some time now and they’ve even moved into the one bedroom, while keeping up the pretense of using both. What that means is James and Alex are having sex, living together, sharing a bed, spending most of their time together, but James is worried about telling other people in case – what? – they see James and Alex as a couple? But why not label them as that if they are doing everything that defines a couple?
It is an interesting point and shows how murky the waters of gay relationships – or any relationship – can be. Once you get past the simplicity of pure sex, you can suddenly find yourself in a relationship without any warning and there are so many routes into one.
On the flip-side, if I think back, some of the biggest love affairs of my life were with guys I had a purely platonic relationship with – no sex; no drunken fumbling; not even a kiss – and one or two were even straight.
So, in these days when gays are everywhere and women are just as vocal as men, maybe it’s best not to think too much about these things, or try to conform to any conventional path and just enjoy the relationships we have, whatever form they take.
Love + gay + sex = ?
Fortunately, in these more enlightened times, things aren’t as straightforward – or as straight – as that any more and you’re never quite sure exactly which point you’re at in the cycle of love.
Take, for example, a gay, male friend of mine who has been living with the same flatmate for the last couple of years (also gay). To start with theirs was a co-existence of convenience, not having known each other before moving in together. More recently this flatmate started coming out on the town with my friend and their social lives suddenly became a lot more entwined.
Then last time I was out drinking with James he revealed in confidence to me that he has been sleeping with his flatmate for some time now and they’ve even moved into the one bedroom, while keeping up the pretense of using both. What that means is James and Alex are having sex, living together, sharing a bed, spending most of their time together, but James is worried about telling other people in case – what? – they see James and Alex as a couple? But why not label them as that if they are doing everything that defines a couple?
It is an interesting point and shows how murky the waters of gay relationships – or any relationship – can be. Once you get past the simplicity of pure sex, you can suddenly find yourself in a relationship without any warning and there are so many routes into one.
On the flip-side, if I think back, some of the biggest love affairs of my life were with guys I had a purely platonic relationship with – no sex; no drunken fumbling; not even a kiss – and one or two were even straight.
So, in these days when gays are everywhere and women are just as vocal as men, maybe it’s best not to think too much about these things, or try to conform to any conventional path and just enjoy the relationships we have, whatever form they take.